


is he alright, all alone?

by bellsrke



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: ?? kinda, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bellamy centric, F/M, Heartbreak, clarke isnt in this but it’s centred around bellamys feelings towards her, idk how to tag this, murphamy & braven friendship, post s4 ep13, this is so sad i’m sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:15:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26015617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellsrke/pseuds/bellsrke
Summary: They’ve all tried different ways to get him to open up, so to speak.Sometimes it works. Sometimes, he’ll laugh at Murphy’s stupid dad jokes, or get distracted from his own thoughts when he hears Raven talk about all sorts of complex mechanics. But the distraction is only temporary, because his mind always goes back to one place, one person, really.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Comments: 10
Kudos: 46





	is he alright, all alone?

**Author's Note:**

> just a pre warning that this is so sad. like oh my god. the tears i shed writing this. unbelievable. not even sure why i did it but here it is anyway. 
> 
> hope everyone is staying safe and keeping informed <3
> 
> title from don’t watch me cry by jorja smith listen for a therapeutic cry if you so wish

Throughout the first year on the ring, Bellamy is miserable. He comes out of his room, but when he does, he’s monosyllabic and looks like he’s lost a million dollars. He may as well have. Clarke was worth a million dollars and more.

They all check on him, mostly Murphy and Raven, but hardly ever get a coherent response. More often than not they’re met with a grunt, or a distant, “not in the mood,” from him. Of course, he’s there for essential things. He promised Clarke he would use his head, so he tries his best, but on the inside he feels like he’s crumbling.

They’ve all tried different ways to get him to open up, so to speak. Murphy tries to use his sarcasm to elicit a laugh from him. Raven tries to distract him with complicated words about engineering that go in one ear and out the other. Monty tries to tempt him out with moonshine, Harper recounts the days gone by to him, Emori tells him about how much Murphy is annoying her. Even Echo tries to distract him with stories about Ice Nation.

Sometimes it works. Sometimes, he’ll laugh at Murphy’s stupid dad jokes, or get distracted from his own thoughts when he hears Raven talk about all sorts of complex mechanics. But the distraction is only temporary, because his mind always goes back to one place, one person, really.

Clarke.

He thinks about her constantly, like she’s buried in his subconscious; a part of her always embedded in his mind. He thinks about how he was the one to make the call to launch without her. He thinks about the sad look on Harper’s face, which couldn’t even match the heartbreak etched on his own. He thinks about how she sacrificed herself for him, for them.

He asks himself questions all the time. _What if I had waited a few more moments? Why did it have to be her that I left behind? What is my life without her? What if she’s really alive down there?_

No, he answers that last question to himself. He watched the planet burn. There’s no way she could be alive, right? _Right_.

For the first four months they try to talk to him, get him to open up. They can see he’s hurting despite how much he tries to hide it. They give up doing that after a while, but he hears someone sit outside his door everyday when the others are all together. Often it’s Murphy or Raven, sometimes they read to him, which is nice. He likes being read to almost as much as he likes to read.

It’s just after the six month mark when he comes out of his room and heads to where he knows they all hang out together. When he turns the corner, he sees they’re all there, making themselves busy with something. He doesn’t want to make a big deal so he just walks over and pulls out the empty chair next to Emori.

When he sits down, he looks up to find them all staring at him. Obviously something on his face must scare them, because they all immediately look back down again. He has nothing to do, so he just fidgets with his hands for a while. The silence grows a little uncomfortable.

Of course, Murphy is the one who breaks it. “So, is anyone gonna say anything? ‘Cause there’s this weird energy in here—“

Raven cuts him off by thunking a book over his head. “Shut up, Murphy,” she rolls her eyes at him.

Bellamy huffs out a laugh, and everyone turns to look at him again, kind of expectantly. “What?” he shrugs, and hopes they don’t notice that his voice is a little empty.

Murphy reaches over to ruffle his hand in his hair. “Glad you finally decided to join us, man.”

The weird tension breaks, and everyone starts to smile and laugh. He lets himself forget about her, just for a moment. He forgets about the pain. And then the guilt washes over him again, like it always does.

He doesn’t go to join them everyday, usually just once or twice a week for a few months at first. Nobody ever brings her up around him, although he has heard them speak about her before. Perhaps they think it might set him off, or something. He doesn’t really feel like talking about her with them anyway. He only really ever let himself be vulnerable with her, and now she’s gone. It doesn’t feel right.

He tries to only think about her when he’s alone, but sometimes when he’s with the others he thinks about how much he misses her, and his heart lurches because he knows she would fit right in with all of them.

He imagines how she would tease Murphy relentlessly, how she could have those deep talks with Raven that she always wanted to. He imagines her striking a real friendship with Emori, two hot-headed women, he knows they would’ve gotten along well.

He still doesn’t really talk to Echo. He can’t look at her without thinking of betrayal, without thinking of those times he almost killed Clarke and Octavia, that time when she was partly responsible for Gina’s death. Sometimes, he even thinks about Clarke being here instead of her, and he should feel guilty, but he doesn’t, really.

It’s been over seven months when he finds the skybox, sees the remnants of Clarke’s smudged drawings that the guards were too lazy to scrub off. He sinks to the floor, traces the rough lines of the charcoal and then realises he’s crying when he sees a tear fall in front of him on the ground. He lays down on his side, facing the drawings, and just lets himself cry. For how long, he doesn’t know, but eventually his tears stop coming and he hauls himself off the floor.

That night, he dreams of her, imagines her in his arms at night. He hasn’t forgotten the way she used to smell yet, and for that he is grateful. He thinks about all the ways he would’ve taken care of her, and her of him because she’s just that selfless. He thinks about how she’d be a good leader up here, dreams about how bossy she is and how it would make him smile. He hears constant whispers of _I love you_ , so much that he feels the words burned into his mind. When he wakes up, he feels more empty and alone than ever.

It takes another two weeks for him to go back to the skybox after that, and the tears never subside. One time, he thinks it might be the sixth or seventh time he’s been there, he’s lost count, he walks in to see Raven sitting on the floor with her back against the wall on the left, her good leg bent with her arms resting on it and her head on top.

Bellamy doesn’t say anything, he just takes a seat right beside her. After a few moments she rests her head on his shoulder, and he rests his head on hers. They sit in comfortable silence; they don’t talk about her, but he can feel her name surround them, almost suffocating them.

He remembers back to that first day on the ring, when he looked out the pane of glass to see the world burning, when he picked up the empty bottle and thought about how he never got that drink with her. When Raven came up to him.

They don’t talk about that moment after it happens, but something between them changes. Not romantically, nothing like that, but there’s this new understanding between them, he thinks.

The months flash by in a haze, but Bellamy keeps count. He wants to remember how long it’s been since he left her on earth to die. Nothing much happens in the rest of that first year, he still doesn’t talk to the others much but when he does he at least tries to make it look like he doesn’t want to jump off a building, which sometimes he does.

Some days are better than others, sometimes he only thinks about her a few times. Other days she’s all he can think about, she consumes him; her voice, her touch, her words. He doesn’t talk to the others much on those days; he feels like if he opens his mouth he’ll just break into gut-wrenching sobs. Sometimes he does that regardless.

When it reaches the one year anniversary of them making it up to space, the others must know too because no one tries to talk to him. He doesn’t spend the day in his room like he thought he might, though. Instead, he sits in the skybox for a while and he reads a story out loud. He pretends she can hear him, somewhere, wherever she is.

He sniffs as he tries to cut back his sobs. “I miss you,” he chokes out. He’s never tried to speak to her like this before, always been too scared. “I miss you everyday.” He wrings his hands together as he speaks, for some reason he’s nervous, like she can hear him or something.

“You should be here, Clarke. God, why aren’t you here?” he can’t help the tears that fall on their own now, he’s completely surrendered to them. “I want to hate you, for leaving me. Part of me thinks that might make it better, you know? If I could hate you it might make this whole thing easier. But I can’t, I can’t hate you. I couldn’t even hate you on the ground when you hurt me. I couldn’t hate you when you left me after Mount Weather, I couldn’t hate you after you never tried to see why I was so hurt, I couldn’t hate you after you chose Lexa over me. I’m pathetic, because no matter what, I will never hate you. You know, I pretended to not like you at first, but the truth is I always liked you. There was something about you which stole the air from my lungs, and I can’t even hate you for it.”

He breathes deeply before he carries on. “I was annoyed at myself for falling for you so fast. I asked myself why I did, all the time, but it’s always a different answer. The truth is, you’re a mystery to everyone, but you always showed me who you were. I think maybe that scared you a little, and it scared me too. I hate myself everyday. I hate myself for leaving you behind, I hate that I’m here and you’re not, but I can’t bring myself to hate that I loved you. I was in love with you, and I can’t even regret it. Because you were the best thing that ever happened to me.”

That’s the first time he’s ever said those words out loud, even if they’re just to himself. It’s taken him a while to get here, although he’s known it for a long time. He thinks maybe it’s because he’s fighting a constant battle within himself because he never got to tell her, and it eats away at him everyday.

“You would’ve loved it here, too. I imagine you with the others everyday, I think you’d bring the group together like you always used to do. And I’d tell you, that I love you, because I was so tired of not saying it. And even if you didn’t feel the same, I’d still be your best friend. And if you weren’t ready I’d wait for you, as long as it would take. I’d wait for you, always.”

He sniffs, wipes his tears with the back of his hand. But you didn’t wait for her, you left her behind, a voice at the back of his head says. He pushes it away as he hauls himself off the ground and walks out of the room.

He walks towards a window, presses his hand against the glass as he looks down at the earth, burnt to a crisp. His mind wanders to Clarke, Clarke in her final moments on earth. He’d have given anything to comfort her, then.

“Can I interest you in a drink?” he hears Murphy say from behind him. He approaches his side, a cup of water in his hand which he reaches out to him. Bellamy takes it with a small nod, drains it and gently places it on the ledge of the window.

They’re silent for a while, but he likes it, the serenity. It’s ironic, he thinks, looking at how broken the world is beneath them. He thinks about her, again; that’s where his mind always carries him to.

“I think about her too, you know,” Murphy says from beside him, as if he could read his mind. It startles Bellamy a little. Nobody’s ever tried to talk about Clarke with him before. “We all do.”

Bellamy nods, knowing if he speaks it will come out in a cracked voice and probably with a squeak.

“We talk about her sometimes, when you’re not with us. Not a lot, ‘cause it’s hard, you know? Knowing that we left her behind so that we could make it up here. It doesn’t feel right without her.”

Bellamy looks over to Murphy, and he sees tears in his eyes too. He rarely sees Murphy cry.

He doesn’t know what does it, maybe it’s seeing Murphy’s tears too, but something inside him breaks and he starts sobbing almost violently, collapsing in on himself. Murphy is quick to respond, wrapping him up tight in his arms. A thought forms in the back of his mind that this is the first time they’ve hugged.

“I’m sorry man,” Murphy says into his shoulder. “It doesn’t count for much, but I know how much she meant to you.”

Bellamy can’t say anything yet, words getting stuck at the back of his throat, so he just lets Murphy hold him for a while. It doesn’t feel as nice as when he and Clarke used to hug, but it’s close enough.

Bellamy pulls back, but they still remain standing close together. He looks to the ground when he speaks. “I never got to tell her. I never got to tell her that I loved her,” he chokes out, and the words hurt him more than he thought they would.

“She knew. You may not think it, but she knew.”

He’s not sure if he believes that, but he lets himself think it’s true for a moment and nods. Then he feels Murphy’s arms around him again, and he still can’t stop the tears. “I don’t know how to do this without her,” he says after a while.

He feels Murphy nod his head. “We have to get through this, Bellamy. If we don’t then she died for nothing, and we can’t let that happen.”

Bellamy sniffs as he pulls back. “I know. But she should be here.”

“I know, I feel the same. But you know she would’ve wanted you to lead us, right?”

Bellamy sighs. “Yeah.”

“It’ll be okay, I promise. It’s okay to hurt for a while,” Murphy says to him, and the words are sincere and genuine, and they touch Bellamy’s heart. He has to get through this, for her.

They fall into a comfortable silence, both looking down at the burning world beneath them. Bellamy wonders if there will be a time when he can think about her without his heart feeling like it’s ripping into a thousand pieces, he wonders when it will be that he can think of her and smile about the time they did have together, although it wasn’t much.

He doesn’t know if they had another truly happy moment after Unity Day, when they first landed on the ground. It feels like lifetimes ago, another world. He remembers her smile, the way it was so real as it reached up to her eyes. The way she flirted back with him, how it surprised him and made him feel warm. He wishes he could have that again with her.

Perhaps in some other life they could be together, he thinks. Maybe in another universe where they’re not destined to be ripped apart. Maybe someday he’ll see her again, in another world. He wishes on a God that this is true. It’s all he’s ever wanted, really. To be with her, happy and at peace. He doesn’t know if they deserved it, but he always thought that was where they were headed.

It does get better, eventually. He still thinks about her everyday, but some of the pain and guilt subside. After a while he starts bringing her up with the others, and by the way they talk about her he knows they miss her too. They all do. They do their best to comfort him on his bad days but they know, now, that this has changed him forever.

She appears in his dreams often and he gets to imagine what their life could’ve been like in a world that wasn’t post-apocalyptic. He likes the thought of raising a big family with her, knows that she would be a wonderful but stern mother, fiercely protective.

But when he wakes up she’s not there, and his heart breaks a little every time, because she’s gone, and she was never really his.

_What she and I had ran deeper than just love. “Love” seems like a trivial word, it doesn’t encompass what we had, although I suppose words will never suffice, nor will they bring her back. And my heart breaks when I think of what I’ve lost, and I realise a part of me died the day you left me._

**Author's Note:**

> let me know if i should write a part two to this..? where bellamy & co get back down and he finds out clarke is alive. or i might just leave this as a stand-alone i’m not sure. give me comments and kudos regardless because i crave attention ❤️


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